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This one has the “drunk vote” in its pocket. And that’s a critical demographic. Romania’s 2017 Eurovision Entry.

April 28, 2017


The sort of people who research every Eurovision entry in advance will not be the people giving twelve points to this.  The sort of people who are reading this post will probably not be giving twelve points to this.   But those people who just have Eurovision on in the background will do.  Those people (and I was long one of them) who profess contempt for the whole chintzy affair and who demand a crate of liquid refreshment to enable them to withstand an entire evening of being in a room where Eurovision is broadcast – they are Romania’s twelve point voters.  They are many.

These people will pay very little attention to the succession of fresh-faced youths singing about the authenticity of their lives and loves, nor to the succession of enormous dresses floating above dry ice.  But when Romania comes on, they will notice.  They will look up.  They will vote for it.

Why did it take so long for rap and yodeling to become soul-mates?   How did Romania become the first nation on earth to recognise the logic of this marriage made in heaven?  He’s the rapper and she’s the yodeler.  In this video, she seems to be wearing the sort of sexy elf costume you see on the lowest rack of Eurogiant round about the second week of December.  He has a pony tale and points a lot.  Here is their video which, unlike most videos, can certainly be replicated in Kiev.

Do you remember those Polish milkmaids a few years ago?  They topped the popular vote in quite a few countries, including Ireland and the UK.  With their nonsensically soft-porn costumes and their vigorous churning motions, they excited the enthusiasm of casually drunk Eurovision voters everywhere.  Perhaps more musically interesting than those top-heavy Poles with churning poles, Ilinca and Alex Florea offer something  for a similar voting constituency.

“You know what?  I’m voting for the yodeling Romanians.  Yeah! Let’s vote for the yodeling Romanians.”

The Polish milkmaids did not win Eurovision (that was Conchita’s year), because jury votes are traceable.  And the Eurovision jury voters were not prepared to stand up, put their hands over their hearts and declare “I solemnly and seriously believe that soft-porn Polish milkmaids represent the acme of European culture”.  Drunken texters, though traceable in a sort of dystopian surveillance society sort of way, are far less likely to be held accountable for their votes and so feel that they can vote for Polish milkmaids and Romanian yodelers with some impunity.

And, let’s face it, the yodeling is fun – and by the time we get to the final chorus -it is  verging on the virtuoso.  Ilincha becomes the Paganini of yodeling, one who can popularise yodeling for a whole new generation.  It I were president or treasurer of the European Yodeling Associaion (EYA!), worried about an aging membership, then Romania would be giving me hope for a better tomorrow.

James Joyce famously made Stephen Dedalus declare that he “fears those big words that make us so unhappy”.   Where haunted abstractions oppress us – ululation will liberate us by transporting us to a world of pure abstraction.

Less immediately exciting is Malta:

So you might prefer Macedonia:

Or you can “Climb Every Mountain” with Nathan from Austria:

Serbia offers a big ballad about rising and falling and falling and rising:

Meanwhile, here is Sweden:

Here, meanwhile, is Omar belting it out for Slovenia:

Portugal offers something just a bit more special:

Anyhow, Portugal’s offering is infinitely more palatable than Poland’s:

A man who needs a deal of personal space is this guy from Montenegro:

Equally sexualised is the Moldovan entry:

Latvia offers a more techno-trance version of minimalism:

Iceland’s entry isn’t really a Eurovision song either:

Georgia’s offering is undoubtedly a bigger if not bolder initiative:

Frankly, I prefer Finland:

I’ll be sorely vexed if Finland doesn’t do better than Cyprus

Frankly I’d rather the Czech Republic won – though they won’t…

Belgium looks like a better bet:

But if it isn’t, maybe it will go to Azerbaijan with this…

Armenia’s Entry is nowhere near as scary:

In the meantime here are my thoughts on the Australian entry:

And here’s Albania…


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