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Hovig loves Hovig and I want to slap him. Cyprus’ 2017 Eurovision entry.

April 5, 2017


Not sure what the presumptive voting bloc for the Cypriot entry will be.  Of course, with Turkey absent again this year, Armenia, Cyprus, Greece and Bulgaria have no idea who not to vote for.

Meanwhile, a guy in a leather jacket is Hovig singing “Gravity” and I want to slap him.  Quite hard.  Here he is on video:

I’ll be sorely vexed if Hovig wins.  Hovig needs taking down a peg or two if you ask me.  This is the kind of song video that reminds me a bit of why I hate “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias quite so very very much.  Some Eurovision winners merely mystify me.  This one will seriously annoy me.  Hovig vexes me with the egotism of his song and his performance as a whole.   To know him is to slap him.

Hovig is accompanied by a gymnast/dancer character who presumably intended to represent the female that Hovig wishes to so comprehensively take care of.  Without Hovig, this woman will be bereft of “Gravity” apparently.  Hovig is the one defining guarantee of Newtonian physics and without his benign power she (whoever she is) will simply drift off into space.

This kind of power has obviously gone to his head, and we’re dealing with someone who seems far more in love with himself than anyone else.  The song is far more about the wonderful and extraordinary thing he can do for (to) his beloved than any qualities for which this individual is supposedly to be cherished.

And here are the lyrics, which read like something that could be cited in evidence during an application for a restraining order:

No matter where you’re going
No matter where you’ll be
Wherever the wind is blowing
Let me be your gravity

I can be your hero
I can be your fantasy, oh
I can be the cure, oh
Let me be your remedy

Right beside you
I’ll never leave you

Let me be your heart and your company
I’ll let you be the one who can lean on me
I’ll catch you when you fall, when you’re fallin’ free
Let me be, be your gravity

Let me be your wings when you’re flying high
I’m gonna raise you up ’til you touch the sky
I’ll catch you when you fall, when you’re fallin’ free
Let me be, be your gravity

Attached inseparably, like gravity

As high as the highest mountain
As low as the deepest sea or
Wherever you settle down
Just let me be you gravity

Attached inseparably
It’s all we’ll ever be
You – me – gravity

Dear Hovig, you, and your anonymous beloved are both equally subject to gravity.  You don’t control gravity.   You didn’t invent it.  Isaac Newton didn’t invent it either… he merely theorised it.  And if, in future, you ever wish to draw another human being into your dubious orbit – some vestige of humility might be in order.

Frankly I’d rather the Czech Republic won – though they won’t…

Belgium looks like a better bet:

But if it isn’t, maybe it will go to Azerbaijan with this…

Armenia’s Entry is nowhere near as scary:

In the meantime here are my thoughts on the Australian entry:

And here’s Albania…

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