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EU surrenders unconditionally to Britain in Brexit negotiations.

April 1, 2017


A sadder and wiser Michel Barnier announced today that the EU intended to capitulate to whatever the British government wanted from Europe, offering Britain all the benefits of the single market without Britain having to make a single contribution in return.

Speaking (as is right and proper) in English, Monsieur Barnier on behalf of the entire European Union, today delivered a formal instrument of unconditional and total surrender to the British Government. Fidgeting and fumbled, Monsieur endeavoured to explain himself thus:

“Since Article 50 was delivered to Donald Tusk just a few days ago, I have already had an opportunity to witness the remarkable intellectually and moral qualities of the Brexit negotiating team. Blinded and then illuminated by their example, I find myself obligated (as a mere continental) to state that the British should be allowed to get whatever they want out of Europe without any reciprocal obligations being imposed.

In the few days I have spent with these valiant Brexiteers, I’m compelled to confront a sombre truth that I suspect deep down I have always known – that we Europeans are (when all is said and done) just a bunch of foreigners. In the past, a (barely) repressed sense of our own foreignness and inferiority has led to some bitter and unfair treatment of Britain and we trust that the current document reflects a new more chastened and penitent view relationship that Europe is to enjoy with the new (yet old) British Empire. I have also been privileged, in recent weeks to read some of the eloquent and compelling political writings of Mr Michael Gove. As a mere Frenchman, it is hard to convey the sense of cultural inadequacy I feel when absorbing the work of someone like Mr Gove. Mr Gove has explained to us Europeans that Britain, unlike poor benighted and isolationist Europe, can trade with a place called “The World”.   Cut off by sea from Britain, living our blinkered and limited little lives in a state of darkness, it is unsurprising that those of us cramped and confined into the western part of the Eurasian landmass have never heard of “The World” and our tiny foreign minds probably couldn’t understand it if we were to ever come across it. Perhaps if we listen quietly to people like David Davis and agree to whatever he asks of us, we will some day have “The World” explained to us.

The surrender document, signed by Donald Tusk and to be delivered to 10 Downing Street this afternoon, will enable any British government to unilaterally declare that Europe is to mean whatever Britain wants it to mean. Britain can trade with us freely, without tariff or without barrier if she likes. Britain can control her own borders in any way she sees fit. Mr and Mrs Robinson from Lincolnshire can go on their Spanish holidays without let or hindrance but Mr and Mrs Gonzales from Madrid may be subject to any barrier demanded of Britain’s sense of sovereignty. Free movement can be in some directions but not in others. Borders can be imposed looking North but not South.   Laws are not meant to be applied consistently and “rights” are not universal.

“Brexit means Brexit”. Many or our poor weak contintental philosophers have struggled over the past months to make sense of this gnomic and apparently circular utterance. As part of this gesture of surrender, we now concede that “Brexit” is to mean whatever Theresa May wants it to mean, and that mere logic of Europeans cannot be permitted to insult the intuition of Britons.

I am ashamed to be foreign.”


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