Donald Trump’s Gettysburg Address
Today, Donald Trump will travel to Gettysburg Pennsylvania where the mantle of Honest Abe will descend upon him and he will deliver a new, updated address, one more upbeat and suitable for the twenty-first century.
Long time ago – four score or more years ago (but who says ‘score’ any more – really?) – anyway – not important – back in the day, there were a bunch 0f guys (and they were really, really absolutely top guys – I’d have given them jobs managing any of my hotels and casinos) – and these guys had an idea. And the idea was great. It was really a great idea. The idea was America. Great.
But now we’re engaged in a great civil war with Crooked Hillary. America (which used to be great by the way) cannot survive Crooked Hillary. We are met today on some great battlefield of some great war or other. I think a bunch of people died here. Not sure how or why they died (it’s probably complicated), but hey, if you were the sort of people who sat home reading books, you wouldn’t be here listening to me, now would you?
But hey – there are bigger fish to fry than remembering war dead? And you know what? I prefer the soldiers that didn’t die. They were the winners – not the ones who got themselves killed. What’s up with all these war memorials anyway? I like the soldiers who fought in this battle and who are still alive today. Winners! These guys who died are clearly ‘low energy’ or else they wouldn’t have been shot. That’s the trouble with America today – it’s run by losers for losers.
So forget these guys. Cut to the chase. America used to be great – then it became not so great – and I’m going to make it great again. In the meantime, there’s Crooked Hillary. We need to remember that Crooked Hillary exists and walks this earth in solid form. Crooked Hillary is the most evil being ever to walk this earth since this earth first started to cool. The very fact that Crooked Hillary is allowed to exist is proof – absolute proof – that the whole system is rigged against me, and the election can only be valid if I win it.
So here I stand in this swing state of Pennsylvania to say that America can be great again… one nation, under Trump… and that Trump willing Government of the Trump, by the Trump and for the Trump shall not perish from the earth.
Trump bless America (which is gonna be great again, by the way).
Mr Trump will then travel to the Pennsylvania State House where he will rewrite the Declaration of Independence so that it contains the word “Trump” rather more times than it does at present.