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Donald Trump’s Cleveland Convention Speech on Truth Serum

July 21, 2016


My Fellow Americans,

I’d like to share my story with you.  It’s an American story.  The story of how a simple man, armed only with immense inherited wealth and a complete contempt for humanity, managed to isolate himself forever from the consequences of his own actions.

I could of just stayed in bed all day and every day for the past thirty years and I’d be wealthier than I am right now.  I chose to go into the office each day because I like striding down corridors wearing a shiny suit shouting at people.  This is my work and it amuses me.

The truth about Donald Trump in the 1980s is this.  Thanks to Daddy’s money and his willingness to co-sign loan agreements I bought a lot of New York property.  During a bull market, these properties rose in value.  If there is a single solitary skill involved in property speculation it’s being able to predict future crashes and get out in time.  This skill I do not possess.  I found myself hopelessly over-extended and facing many different forms of bankruptcy.  At this point I decided to reinvent myself as a genius and because I’m a landed aristocrat who thinks it’s beneath him to exercise his brain or engage in any kind of sustained mental endeavor,  I paid some guy to ghostwrite a book called The Art of the Deal.  (You see this is the thing about capital that you morons don’t get.  If you start out with millions – you don’t need talent or hard work to turn those millions into billions – you pay other people to do it for you.)  This book made me famous enough to get me the Apprentice gig which in turn made me famous enough to market my own name.  Marketing my own name is the easiest, most risk free way of earning you’ve ever heard of.  People pay me money to use the name “Trump” in their venture – and if their venture fails then it’s nothing to do with me.  Once I have people’s money they cease to exist as far as I’m concerned.  All women and most men are just objects as far as I’m concerned – they were put on this earth to flatter my ego.

I am successful because I was born wealthy and I despise others.  I despise you, Republican delegates, most of all.  Most of you call yourself “Christians”, but you’ve clearly given up on that Nazarene as a low energy loser and decided to worship me instead.  The whole Judaeo Christian concept of Divinity is predicated on the limitations of Character and Law – a God who is the same today and forever.  I am better that this “God” because truth is whatever I say it is whenever I say it.  I contradict myself because consistency is beneath me.

You worship me because you hate yourselves.  You worship me because you are too frightened and/or too lazy to exercise the moral and critical functions of adults.  You want to prostrate yourselves in front of a monosyllable like “Trump” because freedom scares you.  You have given up on America’s founding principles and find it easier to chant slogans in no particular order.

As I leave you now – to chant murderous and misogynistic threats against Hillary Clinton, let me just say that I despise you all here today.  Once I have what I want from you I will kick you pathetic shells of human beings to touch – just  the exact same way I have always discarded people poorer than I am, my entire life.

And to whichever member of my security team failed to intercept the prankster who slipped a truth serum into this glass of water – may I say profoundly, and from the bottom of what I like to call my heart….



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