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United Kingdom’s 2016 Eurovision Entry

May 14, 2016


While some nations blow a hefty percentage of the GDP on Eurovision entry  every year, and the entirely of their dry ice and sequin budget – the UK has decided to hand over their entry to Joe and his best mate Jake.  To be honest they look as though they’re doing it because they lost a bet in a pub.  Or rather, looking at them again, they’re doing it in return for their very first beer.

It’s not that it’s bad as such, it’s just that this severely minimal approach to the contest sort of smacks of not really caring enough.  Here’s the “video”.  No bangs and whistles.  No lasers.  No wolves and no nudity.  Just two nondescript lads singing moderately well.

Let me put it this way.  If the UK cracks the top five with this entry it can only be for one  reason and one reason only.  Love.  If this rather half-hearted effort is rewarded with actual votes it can only mean that despite decades of pompous xenophobic bleatings from Britain – Britain remains loved by loving people in Europe – that the people in Europe want the UK to stay in Europe, to feel loved by Europe, to be Europe.

If the UK finishes in the top ten and still votes to leave the EU, then the UK will be guilty of spectacular ingratitude.  The UK will be too loveless to be.

If on the other hand, this song finishes near the bottom of the table – please, Brits, don’t take it as a sign of hostility.

It’s just not a very interesting song.

Now for next year.   Assuming that a certain catastrophic decision on June 23rd does not result in the UK leaving the EU, collapsing in on itself, and failing to cohere as any kind of viable or meaningful polity ever again, a change of strategy will be called for.

In 2017, the UK (if it still exists and is not well on the way to becoming the TKK – Truncated Kingdom of Kickdown) should definitely sing in Welsh.  Think about it.  Every Tomas, Riccardo and Heinrich sings in English these days.  Why not offer a bit of cultural distinctiveness?  Why not showcase a bit of Eisteddford heritage – a song contest tradition that goes back bit earlier than 1956?  Why not celebrate the particular section of this corner of North West Europe that is, quite frankly, better at singing than any other part?

One day, of course, when the UK is no more, Wales will enter the contest in Welsh anyway – and will score very well – and then the English will wonder why it took so long to think of this.

Looking very vulnerable and appealing is Sweden

Amir, from France, seems rather more confident.

On the other hand, there’s Spain…

Italy offers a bit more solemnity…

Here’s Germany.

Now Belgium is not particularly silly.  Just linguistically clumsy

For a more sinister “fairy tale” unheimlich – go Albania

You may (indeed should) prefer Georgia.

If you want something very mainstream – go Norway…

Or, if you favour a keening wail of historical pain and suffering – here’s Ukraine…

Most people will want something a bit more optimistic.  Like Denmark’s effort – see below…

Bulgaria could learn a lot about positive thinking from Søren.

If you’re keen on Balkan Country and Western Music, then you’ll like Slovenia’s entry…

Australia, bizarrely, are back…

If, in the meantime,  you want to watch an implausible love story involving a sex worker from Vilnius – try Lithuania’s entry…

Here, by the way – is Macedonia’s offering…

Meanwhile, Ireland’s entry – Nicky Byrne out of Westlife – is sort of all growed up.

Here’s Serbia, in case you were wondering…

Then again there’s Ivan from Belarus, who may or may not be dancing naked with wolves…

In the meantime, here is Israel:

You might prefer this GameofThronesy offering from Switzerland

Here, on the other hand, is Poland.

And here’s cheery Latvia,

Someone else who doesn’t look cross at all is Malta’s representative  –

Meanwhile, I found Bosnia and Herzegovina somewhat intriguing this year – see below…

More interesting than Montenegro, anyhow

Far, far more conventional is Azerbaijan

More chillingly, here is Estonia

But here, by way of some (but not much) relief is Cyprus

On a lighter note, see the Czech Republic’s offering…

And Russia…

San Marino – folks…

Meanwhile, here’s the Netherlands…

And Croatia

And Hungary

And Moldova

And Greece

Greece’s 2016 Eurovision Entry

And Finland

Finland’s 2016 Eurovision Entry

Here’s Austria by the way…

Austria’s 2016 Eurovision Entry

Here’s Armenia

Armenia’s 2016 Eurovision Entry



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