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Oh no! Not Will Shakespeare! Not Shakespeare too! Damn you 2016!

April 23, 2016

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Four months into 2016, following the repeated shock tidings of death after death of really cool people, news has arrived from Stratford-upon-Avon of the sudden death at the age of just 52 of William Shakespeare in the early hours of this morning, exactly four hundred years ago.

People have already started to gather at the Globe Theatre in London and have begun to light those little candles again and chant their favourite bits from their hero, like we’ve had to do just about every week seemingly in this sucky sucky year of 2016.

“Too soon!  What’s 52?  That’s no age at all?!”

Close friend Ben Jonson was in a distraught condition as he told reporters… “this is crazy… it feels like only yesterday (+400 years) that I was out drinking with him.  He was in great form – loud, generous and disgusting.  We won’t see his like again.  We won’t see the likes of Terry Wogan again either.  Damn you 2016.”

Friends and colleagues John Heminges and Henry Condell confirmed that Will Shakespeare had been in retirement for several years leading up to his death today, 400 years ago.

INTERVIEWER:  Do you think you can get a Greatest Hits Album out by Christmas?

HEMINGES:   Oh that’s cold, man, that’s cold.  We can’t think about that right now.  I’m sure Henry and I will get to work on it at some point when we feel up to it- but the guy’s still warm.  He was alive this morning for crying out loud.  This morning.  400 years ago.  We’ve heard that he was working on a new stage show, but that’s just a rumour… maybe we’ll never know.  Turns out he left us some money to buy mourning rings.   Fucking 2016.  I can’t fit any more mourning rings on my fucking fingers. I’m starting to feel like fucking Liberace – minus the keyboard skills.   But losing Will is the absolute worst.  I really wasn’t ready for this one.  To all his fans out there, all I can say is that at the very least, we can think of Will Shakespeare up there right now partying with David Bowie and Prince.  And Alan Rickman and Victoria Wood.  And Ronnie Corbett.

Miguel de Cervantes was unavailable for comment.

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