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On the anniversary of Emperor Hadrian’s death… Donald’s Potted World History of Walls

February 25, 2016



Wall One.  Hadrian.

Back in the Second Century, the Roman Empire was in trouble.  BIG trouble.  And you wanna know what it was?  Shall I tell you?   Caledonians.  They were everywhere.  Caledonia was just pouring folks into the Empire.  And they  weren’t the GOOD Caledonians.  They weren’t sending the doctors and the engineers and the moral philosophers.  They were sending the bad ones – sheep stealers, soccer hooligans.  And drug dealers.  Like out of Trainspotting.

Now I’m not a racist.  I’m not a racist because I’m rich and powerful and words mean and don’t mean whatever the hell I want them to.  And I don’t hate Caledonia.   I went there to build a golf course and people there still love me for it.

But Rome in those days!  Caledonians everywhere, taking the jobs of good Italians.  The forum stank of deep-fried mars bars.  Caber tossing in the Colosseum.  But wait.  This story has a good ending.  Because Boss Hadrian decided to wake up and smell the haggis.  He didn’t get bogged down with “political correctness”.  He didn’t waste time pussy-footying around with special interest groups.  No.  He built a wall.  He said he was gonna do it and he did it.

And you know what?  He  charged the Caledonians for building it.  That’s right.  A bunch of Pictish tribes who didn’t even have a money economy.  They paid for a wall that ran for miles and miles and cut them out of the empire.  That’s a lot of sheep they must have given up.

Boss Hadrian was Baaaaaaaaa das!   Geddit?!

Wall 2. Berlin.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I hate communism.  But I do like strong leadership – and that’s what Russia showed back in 196? (I hate dates – I hate details).   They were having their own security problems with the whole divided city thing and they decided to take action.   And not just a wall – a really complicated wall – watchtowers, barbed wire, machine gun posts – the works.  Didn’t take all that long either.

And you know what?  Those guys in Moscow billed the mayor of West Berlin for the building costs?  I’m pretty sure they did.  They must have done.  It’s what I would have done.

And you know what?  I’m pretty sure the Mayor of West Berlin paid up.  I’m sure he sent a cheque by return of post.  And you know why?  Because he was a woos.  A putz. He was European for crying out loud?  Am I right?

Wall 3.  China.

China had its own rats in the attic.  They were called Mongols.  Mongols were getting pretty sick of living in tents and never getting to taste any fresh fruit and felt like leeching off their wealthier neighbours.  So those Chinese – what did they do?  Altogether now – THEY BUILT A WALL!  And it worked too – because the Mongols were poor and poor people are easy to kick around.  Trust me, I’ve been doing it my whole life.  As did Daddy.  End of story – the Chinese built a wall and the Mongols stopped giving anybody any trouble after that. Problem solved.  And the Mongols had to pay for it – needless to say.  Gave up every horse in Mongolia – straight to the Peking.  Poor bastards had to walk everywhere after that.

And it was huge this wall.  I was  looking at a map the other day, and the Chinese built far more wall than I’m planning to build.   I don’t know how long it took them, but the way I see it – they didn’t have trucks and they were – you know – Chinese – so I think it proves that I can build the wall I’m thinking of in my first term.  No problems.

And I know where to send the bill.  I can do  this because  this plan has worked historically.  This is history.  It’s history because I say it’s history and you can’t argue with history which mean you can’t argue with me.  Which is why you’ll now somehow absorb the idea that having one sovereign state unilaterally build a wall and then expecting another sovereign state to pay for it is NOT self evident gibberish.

But don’t go looking any of this stuff up.  You won’t.  I know you won’t.  If you guys were the sort of people with enough intellectual self-respect to look up stuff for yourselves, there’s no way I’d still be standing here.



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One Comment
  1. Reblogged this on conradbrunstrom and commented:

    On the anniversary of Hadrian’s death, Donald Trump’s potted history of walls.

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