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The UK’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

May 23, 2015


Electro-Velvet: “Still in Love With You”.

You see, I wanted this to be the greatest song ever written.  I wanted it to be the love-child of Franz Schubert and Paul MacCartney with a melody so gut-wrenchingly efficient that you sing it out loud in the street, you belt it out in the shower, and its quieter passages lull you to a peaceful and a reflective sleep.  I wanted the UK to present a song that sounds like no song you’ve ever heard and like every song you’ve ever heard.  I wanted the UK to write a song that unites the peoples of Europe without betraying the precious uniqueness and unpredictability of its peoples.  I wanted a song of messy liberating complicated Love.

And then I still wanted that song to receive “Nul Points” from every single European electorate and/or jury and come absolutely and unambiguously  bottom of the heap.

Crude Brit-bashing?  Au contraire.  I am motivated only by the purest form of love.

“Happy are those whom you discipline, O Lord”  (Psalms, Ch. 94, vs xii)

Let’s call it a form of tough love.

The UK has just re-elected (or 25% of the eligible electorate has) a government that seems to me to be the negation of just about every basic moral principle I grew up with.  Austerity is not about “belt-tightening” but about killing poor people. When the newly re-elected government implements its intended cutbacks – thousands of additional people will not live to see Eurovision 2016.  Fuel poverty will kill them next winter before then.  These people will not be killed in because of any objective fiscal necessity but because money is diverted to do things like cut inheritance tax.  Poverty will grow.  Rates of suicide, hypothermia and malnutrion will climb and a fairly small number of very rich people will become even richer.

The electoral slump of UKIP should not blind people to the fact that far from being an anti-establishment party – UKIP are and always have been – the Establishment on steroids – the avant garde and the outriders of a future Tory orthodoxy.  The Tories and UKIP together, supported by the nastiest press in Europe, sell austeriarchy with kickdownism and sell kickdownism with xenophobia.

Nations of Europe, if you have any love in your hearts for the people of the UK.  Slap its representatives in Vienna.  Slap them hard.  Slap the UK into a sense of itself.  Feel the love, and make the UK feel it too.

I’ve come to the conclusion that recent UK governments have intervened to prevent the UK from entering good songs.  If the UK only enters mediocre songs, then its pariah status can be cushioned and obfuscated.  “It was a crappy song” everyone in Britain can say instead of “what’s wrong with us? – how and why are we such a pariah?  Do we need to take a long hard look at what our international reputation might tell us about ourselves?”

The UK deserves a slap.  A great big slap.  The kind of slap you give to a hysterical passenger in a disaster movie for their own good.  This kind of resonant slap needed will only really smart if the politics are transparent.  If the song is so obviously wonderful that politics are the only motive for the nulpointing.

Unfortunately, Electro-Whotsit are offering a febrile slice of faux-twenties techno-flappery that is fully capable of failing all on its own.  Yet again the slap will be smudged and inefficacious.

Here’s is the irrelevant video

This was the plan all along.  Crappy songs are slap-smudgers.  Brits will switch off thinking “Oh we’ll try and do better next year”.  But unless the “doing better” consists of something larger than a stupid song contest, consists of trying to evolve a more humane, outward looking, intellectually adventurous and humanely generous society, Brits will continue to live in smudge-slapped nul-pointland.

Austria’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

France’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Germany’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Italy’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Spain’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Switzerland’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Sweden’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Slovenia’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

San Marino’s 2015 Eurovision Entry,

Portugal’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Poland’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Norway’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Montenegro’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Malta’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Lithuania’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Latvia’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Israel’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Ireland’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Iceland’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Czech Republic 2015 Eurovision Entry

Cyprus’ 2015 Eurovision Entry

Azerbaijan’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Serbia’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Russia’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Romania’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Netherlands’ 2015 Eurovision Entry

Moldova’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Macedonia’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Hungary’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Georgia’s 2015 Eurovision Entry

Greece’s Eurovision Entry

Finland’s Eurovision Entry

Estonia’s Eurovision Entry

Denmark’s Eurovision Entry

Belgium’s Eurovision Entry

Belarus Eurovision Entry

Armenia’s Eurovision Entry

Albania’s Eurovision Entry


From → Uncategorized

One Comment
  1. Damn you. I now want to read your other blogs about Eurovision songs.

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