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The Worst Day of Christmas OR Some People Hate Jesus too much to be Honest Satanists

December 10, 2013

christmasshoes

The Worst Day of Christmas is always the same.  It’s the very first day that Xmas FM plays “The Christmas Shoes” by New Song, and we have to jab at the car radio in a blind panic before the car smashes into a tree.

“The Christmas Shoes” is not just the worst Christmas song ever, it is the worst song ever, and one of the very worst things created by human beings since the dawn of time.  Now I’m not the only wide eyed obsessive on the internet blogging about how much I hate “The Christmas Shoes.”   We are legion.  But there aren’t quite enough of us and we’re not quite obsessing enough because “The Christmas Shoes” – still – is.

In a sense it is a song that breaks new ground.  It’s not just a post-Christian Christmas song (we have plenty of them) but an anti-Christian anthem.  This is a Christmas Carol that hates Jesus.  This song reinforces my ever strengthening impression that there are people who hate Jesus too much to be honest Satanists.  Those folk who are into the hooded robes and the pentagrams and the “So Mote It Be!” chants have a tendency to afford the Nazarine the respect due to a formidable adversary.  No, if you really really want to stick it to Christ, you have to call yourself a Christian and do unmentionable things in his name.

Hence – “The Christmas Shoes”.

Here are the lyrics in all their grisly awfulness:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me

He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Bridge:
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Repeat Chorus

Christmas, it seems, is all about shoes.

A dying mother is about to meet Jesus and for this she needs nice shoes?

Now most biblical historians would agree that any historical Jesus would have walked this earth wearing a fairly basic sandal.  Fancy footwear formed no part of his own life or the lives of his followers.  But over the centuries, New Song would have us believe that Jesus has become rather snootier.  Where once he would welcome to his bosom every contrite heart, regardless of creed, colour, or cash in the bank, he’s now employing a set of bouncers to check on people’s feet before they are allowed near him.  And if a loving and a devoted mother arrives on his doorstep without a pair of really nice shoes, she’ll be kicked to the curb before she can clap eyes on him.

And the narrator of the song believes he’s done something wonderful and spiritual by helping to buy shoes for a dying woman rather than (say) facilitating medical attention or taking a long term interest in the welfare of a soon to be orphaned child.  No, in the perverted spiritual universe of New Song, the pressing need is to impress Jesus with shoes.  Time’s running out and the Nazarene strict dress code needs must be appeased.

As I say, I don’t know of any atheists or even Satanists who have any particular investment in disparaging the personality of Jesus Christ.  No, it takes so-called  Christians to do that.

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3 Comments
  1. Amen and amen.

  2. Aaron permalink

    It also begs the question: Why is your child walking around downtown in the cold weather looking for shoes when his mom is dying in the hospital?

  3. Reblogged this on conradbrunstrom and commented:

    It begins.

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